we now return to the regularly scheduled monologue, already in progress

of course when i speak i can't help but get existential, yet i don't wear everything on my sleeve. i don't talk about the Work, per se and rarely use the g-word - mister g., that is. but speaking with a friend i related certain frustration and he responded something about the goal not being about reaching some enlightenment, but about the experience. he also commented that he'd be content to have a moment of ... contentment! he's right but there's something he does not know. and he hasn't been bitten by this gurdjieff bug. he doesn't know that something urgent is underway. it has to do with why we are here, fulfilling some cosmic function, and creating a soul!

this comes to mind, from bennett's "spiritual psychology":

... this search is not compulsory; we can fulfill our obligations without the peculiar scrupulosity that looks for something more than doing what we are commanded or required to do. this does not quite express what i mean. suppose you speak to a friend about spirituality and he says: "i have no time for all that nonsense. i try to do my duty as a father and as a good citizen. i go to church because i think it is right, an as far as is reasonable in our present age, i keep the commandments. if i tried to do anything else, i should be neglecting my plain and obvious duties which take up all my time and energy." now, you could not tell your friend that he is all wrong; that there is something behind all these duties that he should be looking for. it would not be fair; and, in his case, it might not even be true. at the same time, it might be quite different for you, and you would be most acutely aware that you have problems that he knows nothing about. those problems - if they are genuine - are spiritual problems...

in buddhism a great importance is placed on sangha - the spiritual community. back in buddhist school we recited "sentient beings are numberless, i vow to save them all; the teachings are infinite, i vow to learn them all; passions are endless, i vow to extinguish them all; the buddha-way is inconceivable, i vow to attain it." but how would that sound to anyone outside the sangha? crazy, huh? so what could i tell this friend? in the course of that conversation i didn't want to talk about gurdjieff ideas. i never want to denigrate ideas and subject them to ordinary frivolous debate by people like myself who have a formatory opinion about everything. obviously i would prefer to try these ideas on for size, plumb and probe their depths. but privately. between me and my internet.

that does not mean i don't want to interest him, to hook him, to become a "fisher of men" perhaps. what could i say? in the course of conversing i tried to explain that my frustration was "why strive for something if you already have it?" i asked in reference to experiences of energy i have constantly which people supposedly work for. i was surprised at the pith of what i had said, such a fundamental work proposition.

the phrase informs my question more than might be apparent. i do not think i have to work for energetic experiences - they have been given to me, i believe they are within reach and that yes, i can do to the extent that i can elicit an energetic experience by attending to bodily sensation for a moment. so what would i work for? to make it more lasting? maybe. deeper? maybe. more meaningful? maybe. to see myself? maybe.

once in my zen days i sat empty and still and straight and could have continued sitting for another hour. "oh no, don't be attached, this great experience is a distraction" i counseled myself, and shook off the samadhi and continued sitting. now i know that sitting through samadhi must be important too! but i find that not much has changed - from my own exile i resent and distrust what purports even sacred experiences, still holding out for an accounting, still demanding it dumb down to the coarseness and cumbersome nature of my intellect.

i could end with that. it's got a nice closing note. but i'm reminded of another story, some hasidic tale i barely remember even the gist of, and maybe i've got it all backwards - some cantor prayed and made quite an impression on the rebbe - maybe it was on yom kippur for salvation for his community. the cantor told the rebbe that he was beseeching god on the basis of what happened in the holocaust. the rebbe replied, "on that basis you could beseech much more." hm - we bargain with the devil, but people don't usually discuss bargaining with god. except for hasidim. is holding god or life or the world accountable really misplaced? and what am i asking accountability for - that i'm disappointed for how things are working out? and what am i - a dirty messenger making his way past knights and gentlefolk and galleries and dining rooms, gaffe'ing and bumbling, with a message for the king? perhaps the king would even recognize and address me ... "get out!"