holy funk, batman!

i haven't posted anything for a while. but had some drafts - wonder what i can do with this one. particularly because i'm perpetually in a funk - funk impressions. and also particularly because the title will likely relate to another draft forthcoming, somewhere down the line. but most of this draft goes to the virtual scrap heap.

my original draft included this:

when i'm despondent
it echoes through my mind
"the search is not compulory"

this peculiar clarity
is it an opportunity? -
and for what?

i put it into italics so it looks like verse.

and also that, besides allusions to levels, higher carbons, many wines, and relativity, there's this verse, a particular calling, a particular direction:

In the lightning flash of a moment I have seen the immensity of your creation in my life -- creation through many a death from world to world.

I weep at my unworthiness when I see my life in the hands of the unmeaning hours -- but when I see it in your hands I know it is too precious to be squandered among shadows.

--Rabindranath Tagore, from Fruit-Gathering, 1916

Translated from Bengali by author (here's an on-line source).

(i think i quoted that here before)

likely despondency itself has a vibration, but is it my job to observe funk impressions and ultimately transform them? maybe like what G. told kathryn hulme (reported in undiscovered country, pertaining to her quitting smoking) to paraphrase, "i wish the result of this suffering to be mine for being"? because as i am now i simply can't do that -- perhaps because i just can't wait it out, or i get distracted, or more likely i become identified with it, and instead my ordinary personality usurps whatever i might have tried to observe. so for all that, maybe later.

practically, now, there's a pattern that i'm as accustomed to as my own smell. if i interrupt that once, a hundred times, i might notice something less accustomed.