An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Obviously frustrated, they return to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
They follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man really gets into fucking this guy's wife so he works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
Stubborn to the end, the husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him, triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a fucking towel!"
***
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi.... "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi, "go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! A mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the rabbi." "Why not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing!"
***
reb yishi asks reb fein a riddle:
yishi: What’s green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?
fein: I don’t know. What’s green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?
yishi: A herring.
fein: But … a herring Isn’t green!
yishi: Nu, so you could paint it green
fein: But a herring doesn’t hang on the wall!
yishi: Nu, so you could hang it on the wall.
fein: But a herring doesn’t whistle!
yishi: Alright already, ok, so ... it doesn’t whistle.
***
In a restaurant a woman walked over to another diner's table, "Excuse me," she said, "but are you Jewish?"
"No," replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. "Excuse me," she said again, "really, you're not Jewish?"
"Really, I'm not Jewish," said the man.
Still, a few minutes later she again approached him, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?" she asked?
"All right, all right," the man said. "You win. I'm Jewish."
"That's funny," said the woman. "You don't look Jewish."
***
shapiro visits the kosher chinese restaurant and is delighted that the chinese waiter addresses his party in yiddish, takes their orders in yiddish, everything yiddish. on the way out he asks the manager if he can talk to the waiter, to compliment him and thank him. the manager said, "thank you, that's not necessary, he knows he's appreciated." but shapiro insists, after all, who would go through all that effort, etc., and they repeat their sides back and forth, until, "please, please, let me have one word with him, just to say thanks!" defeated, the proprietor leans and whispers confidentially, "he thinks we're teaching him english."
***
In the village synagogue, during the High Holydays, the rabbi prostrates himself on the floor, saying, "God, before You I am nothing." Immediately the richest man in town prostrates himself on the floor, saying, "God, before You I am nothing." Right after that the town beggar prostrates himself on the floor, saying, "God, before You I am nothing." The rich man whispers to the rabbi,"Look who thinks he's nothing."
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Bert and I were on the shitter when I heard him say "Damn it, a quarter just fell out of my pocket and right down the hole." He thought for a minute, and then he took a silver dollar and dropped it down as well. I says, "Bert, what are you doing?" He says, "You didn't think I was going down there for just a quarter."
ReplyDeletesimilar to the anecdote, "would you sleep with me for $1m?" "of course!" "well, how about $1?" "what kind of person do you think i am??" "well, we've already established that, now we're negotiating a price."
ReplyDeletethe shitter joke is more interesting b/c it is less "gotcha" and more about considering, and personality justifying, etc.
in any case both the quarter and dollar are silver, and with silver's price in the low $30s/oz, still allegedly subject to big bank manipulation, so it should soar way out of that range (yes, all my readers, buy silver!), so, for you and bert, consider: silver quarter: $6; silver dollar: $25; seeing considering and personality: priceless!