triangulation du jour

Maybe I was ten or eleven when my twin brother won a raffle. Had someone I was less identified with won, a particular distinction might not have been set into relief - something I had only known tacitly, but then recognized, was that I don’t win things.

Around that time I experimented with another notion - very reservedly I’d toss coins and guess whether they would be heads or tails, always guessing against my inclination, and to my recall I was surprisingly "on the money."

I reflect also how, not being a deadhead, I used be amazed that hippies would set themselves on the way to hitch a ride to some destination in the morning and arrive in the evening, while for me it would take two days of uncertainty. It is not difficult for me to recall my vain mindset, "please please please" or "relax, and wait" or "soon, soon," or even imperatively "NOW!"

I was reading a blog where someone discusses B’s Ts thematically. There’s definitely a place for that. Except it sometimes seems I can practically dispense with themes and read B’s Ts mathematically, the higher and the lower actualize the middle, or vice-versa.

Apes, for instance. Even though my life isn’t characterized by ruin, per se, many important aspects of my life are riddled with problems. I know that’s not unusual, except I find myself living in some vague netherland that’s neither one thing or the other. And I wonder if my excited reasoning ("please please please" or "relax, and wait" or "soon, soon," or even imperatively "NOW!") really achieve nothing? If my hyperactive emoting takes the lead, and my mind or body follow suit, perhaps that lawfully results in a state that is vague, as well as dreadful, a netherland that’s neither one thing or the other.

I bear in mind that gurdjieff did say "work as if everything depends on work; pray as if everything depends on prayer," but recognize that my pathetically imploring the universe might not constitute "prayer." I don't mean this to be idle speculation - to put this to the test, I'll work on myself while exiting my apartment and fully expect a roast pigeon to fly into my mouth. Postage included.